A late evening
Not even close to falling asleep
So I rise back up to go get myself a little something to nip on
Then, to my surprise, do I see the big dipper.
It seems we don’t see the stars very often anymore,

especially the big dipper.
Or I’m not out in the evenings to catch it like I used to.
I have to ask myself, why? …
Well, I haven’t taken advantage of the beautiful deck,

to sit out there just to take in the night air, and feel the calm.

Then I tell Alexa, “ please continue… “
The music brings me back to many years ago,
Wishing I could have those years again.
We all know that can’t happen
But I have to ask… Why not?

Such an awesome feeling in an evening when all is free,

sharing the time with someone special.

Many songs speak of broken hearts.
Why does it always have to be?
I don’t want to feel that way.
I just want to enjoy real music,
The tunes from yesteryear.

I think of times when I used to sit there

out on the deck or in the backyard
with a friend over a glass of wine.
How sweet, how precious.

I chatted with a girlfriend tonight.
It seemed to help, which I did not expect.
She was in the right place.
She was calm.
And she responded in a way
that I so needed.

She reminded me of something

that I already knew,

but needed to hear from someone else,

other than my own voice

I am sad, to be honest, about a discourse of sorts,

of which I must not write here,

yet a much desired connection.
It is hard to describe.
I know that I am loved; and, of course, I dearly love.
But I find that there is something about my person

that is not appreciated.

No, it is not the distance....nor lack of time...

I am not wanted there.

I feel a burden for some unknown reason.
It hurts.
I do not want to hurt anyone.
Nonetheless, it is real, there is that discourse,

for lack of better words.

And so I write.

As my friend pointed out…
There is always something with human beings…
It is never perfect or what we expect.
You either put up or shut up,
To put it bluntly.
I know that I cannot change it.
No one can change it.

Sometimes I feel less than good enough.
Yes, some grew up in a rich area;
And I grew up on a farm.
Does that make me less of a person?
Some think so; I do not.
But it hurts nonetheless.

This I realized,

is some of my depression as of late.
Can it change?
I cannot change it.
No one can change it.
To coin a phrase, stupidly, it is what it is.

And so I sit here in the dark.
But first, stepping out onto the cold deck with bare feet,
just to see that big dipper.
Talking to my journal…
With my tiny little glass of brandy, and,

would you believe, a coconut flavored rum.
Hoping this will make me tired enough to fall asleep.

Sweet dreams.

June 21, 2023,

revised July 1, 2023

 

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