Today I am a mess
Who knows why
I think and I feel, and then I write
And still have this mess

So many thoughts rolling around madly
On top of feelings that come out of nowhere

I do not know where I am going
Or Where I’ve been
I don’t know why I do the things I do
I don’t know why I write the things I do

I only know that I am a mess today

I worry about things I’ve done,
About things I’ve said
About things I’ve written
And who has seen, read or felt them

I worry what they think
And if they get angry, or disappointed in me

I think sometimes I shouldn’t have said anything
Or shouldn’t have written anything
Or shouldn’t have done anything

Then there is the void
I constantly fight to find ways to fill
And wonder if I’m doing the right thing
Is volunteering the right thing?
Working so hard without pay
Getting stuck on a set plan or schedule
Not able to just relax
and do what I feel like in that moment

I want to rebel… I want to push back
at those that manage them
Yet I know the best
is always to let it go, let it be
So that one can continue
and have that time
To be away from home,
And away from loneliness,
to be with people

Is that really the answer?
I am not so sure

So I settle for another cup of coffee
A pinch of Brandy
soft, serene music flowing
mellow?

Dare I say

June 22, 2023